Perhaps this note from Martin M. best sums up the mail that I’ve been getting lately.

Jim —

Why no new “Why For”? It’s been months since you last did one of those columns. And I loved those! Have you discontinued “Why For”? If so, that was a big mistake, Hill. You answering all of those JHM readers’ questions. That was my favorite thing at your site. Please bring that column back!

Ask and ye shall recieve …

Actually, “Why For” never really went away, Martin. I just pulled a “Puzzler” with this piece.

To explain: Surely, some of you are familiar with that extremely popular NPR show, “Car Talk”? That weekly radio program where Ray and Tom Magliozzi (AKA Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers) dispense car repair advice and generally behave like goof-balls? Well, one of the more popular features of that show is “The Puzzler,” this weekly brain-teaser-of-a-contest that “Car Talk” listeners are regularly invited to take part in.

Unfortunately, “The Puzzler” takes a lot of time to properly prepare. Either that or the Magliozzis are incredibly lazy (It’s probably the latter). Whatever the reason, Click & Clack have made it a tradition that — whenever summer rolls around — their show’s popular brain teaser feature goes on hiatus for a while. Then — once the weather cools down again in September (Making it okay to wrack your brain without fear of blowing a gasket) — “The Puzzler” returns.

This — to me — seemed to be a frankly ingenious plan. Deliberately avoiding something that involves an awful lot of effort during the hot summer months. (FYI: This is also the same excuse that I use when I don’t want to mow the lawn. “It’s too hot.” Which is why our back yard now looks like the African Velde.) Which is why I quickly swiped … er … “borrowed” Click & Clack’s idea and quietly put “Why For” on hiatus ‘way back in late May / early June.

But now that the weather has cooled down considerably (More importantly, now that Tom & Ray have actually gone back to work), I guess I can’t trot out my tired old “Car Talk Puzzler” excuse to Tony Moore (JHM’s webmaster) anymore. Which is why I guess it’s time for the fat man to go back to work and answer a few questions from JHM readers.

First though, here’s a bit of news from someone of the retail side of things at the Mouse House:

Jim —

I just want to give you a “heads up” that word came down today (Thursday, September 16th) that the sale of the Disney Store chain has finally been completed. Disney’s expected to make a formal announcement about the sale to Children’s Place sometime late on Friday. More likely on Monday as part of next week’s Board of Directors meeting.

Yeah, I’d been hearing some rumblings about this over the past week or so. Particularly with the notion of this sale being announced at part of Disney’s Board of Directors meetings next week. With this news hopefully being viewed by Wall Street as yet another sign that Mickey’s finally getting his financial house in order.

But what does this all mean to the managers & staff who work at the 300+ stateside “Disney Stores” that are changing hands here? To be honest, it doesn’t look good. I’ve been hearing that Children’s Place is looking to bring a lot of its own people in to run the troubled retail chain. Which undoubtedly means another round of layoffs. Plus I told that not every store in the chain will survive this transfer of power. Which means even more closures.

On the other hand … Some of this news will probably be viewed as a relief to Disney Store cast members. Who have been living with the unsettling news that the retail chain that they work for has reportedly been up for sale for over two years now. Not to mention the news that the sale of the chain was allegedly been “imminent” for the past six months. Now at least the other shoe has finally dropped. So these people can finally get on with their lives and find out what happens next.

And — speaking of what happens next — here’s a question from CarolinaWinds about what’s going on with Disneyland’s sub attraction:

Jim —

Alright, what’s the deal with Disneyland’s subs. I keep hearing all these rumors about a “Finding Nemo” redo and work secretly being done after hours in the Tomorrowland caverns. Is this story really legit? Or just another case of some idle internet speculation being totally blown out of proportion.

Dear CarolinaWinds —

Oh, the Disneyland “Finding Nemo” project *IS* real. And the prep work for this ambitious Tomorrowland redo project isn’t being conducted in secret anymore. It’s being right out in the open these days. For example, late last week, divers were sighted working in the lagoon. Making repairs to the attraction’s filteration system.

And — earlier this week — a Submarine suddenly appeared in the attraction’s load / unload area.

Photo by David Michael

And please note the banner that’s been draped over the submarine’s conning tower:

Photo by David Michael

It reads “We’re Imagineering a new idea.”

Now the phrasing on that banner is important, folks. “We’re Imagineering a new idea.” NOT ” … a new attraction.” You see, WDI’s still very much in the investigative phase here. They’re trying to get a handle on what it’s actually going to cost to install the “Finding Nemo: Let’s Party!” version of Disneyland’s subs. Which — contrary to popular opinions out there — is *NOT* going to be done on the cheap. This show’s going to have an amazing new finale that — through the use of some frankly incredible technology — will actually extends the show beyond the caverns. You see the way it’s going to be done is …

CRASH! An Imagineering SWAT Team suddenly comes flying in the window and quickly wrestles Jim to the ground. After repeated warnings about how “Walt wouldn’t like it if you leaked information like that,” they finally allow him to get back up and go back over to his keyboard.

Okay. So I can’t talk about “Finding Nemo” ‘s finale. So can I at least talk about what you’re doing in the caverns? The really clever way that you guys are recycling most of this attraction’s previously existing sets? I mean, I think that it’s just great that the Tank Gang has made a home for itself in …

WHAM!! Jim’s back on the floor again. A burly show producer now puts Hill in a headlock and says “Now don’t make us go all Eisner on your ass.” After another couple of warnings about what he can & can not talk about, Jim gets back on his feet and — still gasping for breath — staggers back over to his computer.

Okay. So I can’t talk about what’s going on in the caverns either. Alright. How about this? What if I were to tell them about the first 30 seconds of the “Finding Nemo: Let’s Party” attraction? Or just talk the stuff that you can see out on the lagoon without actually having to go on the ride itself?

The Imagineering SWAT Team quickly goes into a huddle. After quietly conferring for a moment or two, they turn back to Hill and say: “Okay. You can talk about the stuff that we’ll be doing above the waterline, the things that Disneyland guests can see without having to go on the submarine ride. You can also reveal the first 30 seconds of the attraction. But say anything else …and we take your spleen.”

Yikes. Given that I’m pretty sure that I actually need my spleen (If only to vent it on Roy & Stanley and the poor job they’ve been doing lately with their “Save Disney” movement), let me chose my words carefully here, folks

So what can you see above the waterline without actually going on the proposed “Finding Nemo: Let’s Party!” attraction? Not a whole hell of a lot, actually. The Imagineers have really made an effort to make this part of Tomorrowland look just as it has since June of 1959, when Disneyland’s sub ride first opened to the public. So that there’s no real giveaway of the new fun that lies in store.

Oh wait … That’s not entirely true … If you were to walk toward Tomorrowland from Fantasyland, moving along Matterhorn Way, and were you to look out onto the submarine lagoon, you would spy at least one thing that was new: A buoy.

But not just any buoy. A bright red buoy that would have a couple of minimatronic seagulls on it. And — each time a sub would float by — these robotic birds would immediately come to life, screeching “Mine! Mine! Mine!”

But that would be the only outward sign — other than, of course, the “Finding Nemo: Let’s Party!” marquee outside of the attraction as well as the videos playing on the overheard monitors in the queue — that something significantly different was going on with Disneyland’s subs.

Now — as to the attraction itself — this same principle would apply here. That — in order to maximize the surprise for theme park guests — the first 30 seconds or so of this show would be played ridiculously straight. With the attraction’s pre-recorded announcer (in a very serious voice) talking about how happy they are that you’ve chosen to join him on this submarine voyage trip out to Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. As the sub glides away from the dock through that bubble field, you’re to be told about the amazing ecosystem off of the Australia coast. How hundreds of thousands of species make their home on the reef, etc.

You get the idea here, right? Deadly serious. This is a scientific voyage. You shouldn’t expect anything fun to happen at all, alright?

Then — revisiting a classic moment from the old Disneyland submarine voyage — our unseen announcer says: “We’re going to turn on our external hydrophones now. So that you can hear the sounds that the sea creatures all around us are making.”

So he throws the hydrophones on. Not-so-co-incidentally at the very moment our sub finally clears the bubble field. So we peer out the porthole and what do we see? Two crabs standing on an underwater pipe, waving their claws menacingly at one another, as they say “Eh! Eh! Eh!”

And that’s all I can safely tell you guys right now. You see, I can’t really spill my guts about all I know about “Finding Nemo: Let’s Party!” out of fear that the Imagineers will then try to spill MY guts.

But what I can tell you is that — provided that Disneyland management finally gives this project the greenlight — this wittily revamped attraction will make a truly memorable addition to Tomorrowland’s line-up of rides & shows. This will be a undersea voyage that “Finding Nemo” fans will want to experience over & over again, if only to experience that great moment at the end of the ride where …

A woman who works in WDI’s model shop suddenly pulls out a foam cutting tool. She makes a few gestures that suggest that — if Hill doesn’t shut up soon — his daughter, Alice, will be an only child.

… Which I really can’t talk about right now. Maybe later. Much later. Much, much, much later.

Satisfied that they’ve now scared the bejeezus out of Jim, the WDI SWAT s quickly exit his home. Climbing aboard an oddily shaped zepplin (which is piloted by a weird bearded gentleman & his little purple dragon), the Imagineers take to the skies.

As he watches them go, Jim Hill rubs his aching throat and mutters to himself: “I wonder if this ever happens to Al Lutz.”

Anyway … Where were we? Oh, yes. Answering e-mails from JHM readers. Speaking of which, here’s a sad bit of news that I have to share with you all. Following up on a recent question from Monica P.

Where did Chuck Oberleitner go? It’s been weeks since he’s done a new column for JimHillMedia.com. Is everything okay with him?

Dear Monica —

Sadly, Chuck no longer works for JHM. Back in August, Mr. Oberleitner suddenly decided that he wanted to pursue other opportunities. Which is why he abruptly resigned from this website.

Me personally, I was sorry to see Chuck go. He’d been a part of the JHM family right from the beginning. And I — along with thousands of JimHillMedia.com readers — genuinely enjoyed his “DizBiz” and “Reporters Notebook” pieces. Which usually featured Oberleitner’s unique & informed take on the business side of things over at the Mouse House.

As to where Chuck might set up shop next … I have no idea, folks. But — should we find out — I’ll be happy to put up a pointer at this site, so that Oberleitner’s legion of fans will then know where to find him.

The entire JHM family wishes Chuck well as he begins this exciting new phase of his career. I’m sure that — wherever Oberleitner lands — he’ll quickly become a valued contributor for some lucky website. Here’s hoping, anyway …

Anywho … Moving on to a somewhat happier topic … BrerBadger writes in to ask”

Jim —

I really loved those SIGGRAPH photos that you posted over on skwigly. You know, the ones about Disney’s upcoming computer animated features? So what can you tell us about these films? I’m particularly interested in hearing any info you might have about WDFA’s return to fairy tales, “Rapunzel.”

Dear BrerBadger —

I am pleased to report that the in-house scuttlebutt on “Rapunzel” has gotten a lot better over the past month or so. Where once people at Feature Animation seemed genuinely concerned about this project, It would now appear that — after years of floundering — that this film’s production team has finally found the appropriate style & tone for this feature length CG animated picture.

You see, at one time, this was going to a really satirical fairy tale film. You know, something along the lines of “Shrek” & “Shrek II.” But now … “Rapunzel” producer Phil Lofaro & director Glen Keane seem to have decided that imitating these two Dreamworks hits may not the smartest way to go (Particularly since it’s now looking quite likely that this WDFA film will be making its initial big screen debut just about the same time that “Shrek III” will be going up for sale on DVD). Sooo … Phil & Glen are now said to be taking a more traditional approach to this project. In other words, making a real modern fairy tale film — something more in the tradition of 1991’s “Beauty & the Beast” and 1992’s “Aladdin.”

Toward that end, Lofaro & Keane have signed Tony Award winner Kristin Chenoweth to provide both the singing & speaking voice of the film’s title character. Also “Legally Blonde” star Reese Witherspoon is said to be playing a rather significant role in this production. Both as one of “Rapunzel” ‘s producers as well as voicing a contemporary character who (in the course of this picture) somehow gets sucked into the fairy tale world.

By the way, this upcoming animated feature isn’t actually the first time that this long-haired beauty has made an appearance in a Disney project. How many of you out there remember seeing this picture while you were on an Orlando vacation?

Photo by Jeff Lange

This picture of Rapunzel & her strategically placed strands used to be found in the “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” attraction in WDW’s Magic Kingdom. If I’m remembering this correctly, you could briefly see this nearly naked young lady as your car rolled through Winky’s Pub. This picture was a decoration somewhere near the bar … Or so I recall.

Something tells me that the “Rapunzel” that we see from Disney in 2006 / 2007 won’t look a lot like this. Which I know is gonna disappoint a lot of you guys out there.

Speaking of disappointed … I’m sure that a lot of JHM readers would be disappointed today if I didn’t announce the results on this week’s “Ghost in the Shell” contest. Of the 200+ entries that we recieved, these were the ones that made me laugh the most:

• Paul Webb’s borsht belt-like riff: “What do you call an albino tortoise? A Ghost in the Shell!”
  
• Phil Conley’s: “Ghost in the Shell: The Harvard Rowing team finally finds a coxswain of perfect weight.”
  
• “Dan Weckerly’s long but good: “Two competing gas stations are across the street from one another; one is deserted, except for a hearse at the lone pump, an unseen hand pumping gasoline into the tank. The other has a crowd of wild-eyed patrons lined up, fearful of buying gas across the street. Why for? Well the one with the hearse is haunted. Yes, there’s a Ghost in the Shell.”
  
• Tom McAndrew’s absurd but brilliant Disney related joke: “Ghost in the Shell: The tragic result of a boiling water accident on the set of ‘101 Crustaceans.’ ”
  
• Donald Laird’s (who evidently channels for Steven Wright): A Ghost in the Shell is what you hear when you put up to your ear a conch that you found along the Dead Sea…

The above five folks will each recieve a copy of the “Ghost in the Shell: Innocence” poster … Just as soon as Dreamworks’ promotional departments finally sends them my way (Hint! Hint!)

As for who will recieve our grand prize, that “Ghost in the Shell” DVD … I don’t know why. But this entry by MagicO really just cracked me up:

• GHOST IN THE SHELL: 2(nd floor).. Cyberbrains, Cyberware, Cyborgs, Hackers, Fuchikomas and Com-m-mputers! Watch your step, puhlease!”

I want to thank everyone who submitted an entry for this inaugural JHM reader contest. In fact, this one went so well that we’re thinking of making contests a regular feature at JimHillMedia.com. “And what sort of prizes will you offer?,” you query. Well — for starters — I hope you folks like coffee.

Before we close up shop for this week, let me make a few quick acknowledgments:

Thanks to Dreamworks’ promotional department for providing the posters for this week’s “Ghost in the Shell: Innocence” contest. With an extra special thanks to Manga Entertainment for providing our grand prize, that “Ghost in the Shell” DVD.

Remember that “Ghost in the Shell: Innocence” opens in theaters today. If you’d like to get a sneak preview of this Mamoru Oshii film, you can see the first eight minutes of “Innocence” by following this link.

Alright. That’s it for this week, folks. Have a great weekend. And we’ll see you all again on Monday, okay?

jrh