Last Friday night — after a long, tortuously slow commute in and out of the city (We had to go into Logan Airport to pick up Michelle and Alice for my parent’s 50th anniversary party) — Nancy and I decided that we all needed a break.
Which is why (later that same evening) we all found ourselves at the Timeless Diner, this fun little eatery in Amherst, NH. It’s this faux 50s diner that’s themed to the hilt. By that I mean: The restaurant’s booths all have formica table-tops. Vintage Rock ‘n’ Roll blares on the jukebox constantly. And the waitresses all wear poodle skirts.
Okay, admittedly the Timeless Diner is NOT the 50’s Prime Time Café at Disney-MGM Studio theme park. But it’s as close as you can get out here in the woods of New Hampshire.
More importantly, the Timeless Diner’s menu is loaded with comfort food. And after being trapped in slow moving traffic on Route 3 for over three hours, what the the four of us needed most at that moment was to be comforted.
Which is why — last Friday night at 9 p.m. — Michelle, Alice, Nancy and I found ourselves crammed in a booth as the waitress brought us heaping piles of food. And my darling daughter (who — just like her dad — is such a wheeler-dealer) immediately began negotiating to see if she could get to sample some of everything that everyone else had ordered. Which is why Alice turned to Nancy and said “If I can have some of your mashed potatoes, I’ll give you a few of my French Fries.”
Which was when I had to smile.
Why for? Because — days earlier — I had received this maddening but marvelous letter from Call Me Confused, an Epcot cast member who works at the Japanese pavilion at World Showcase.
Call Me Confused wrote to me to ask:
Dear Mr. Hill –
I am a great admirer of your work at your most excellent website, JimHillMedia.com. I have learned much about Disney history from the numerous articles that you post. Plus you have a most entertaining writing style, Mr. Hill. Which is why I return daily, seeking new articles from you.
Given that you have been most helpful to your readers in the past, answering their questions in your weekly “Why For” column, I am hoping that you can answer my question as well, Mr. Hill. Which — I must apologize — does not really deal with Disney-related matters.
You see, I work in the Tempura Kiku restaurant at the Japanese pavilion at Epcot’s World Showcase. It is a place that I very much enjoy working at. Except for when I get confused by the requests of the guests.
What requests confuse me, Mr. Hill? Well, I know that there are six eggs in a half a dozen, 12 eggs in a full dozen. 10 years in a decade. 144 items in a gross. These are the sorts of precise numerical terms that are easy for me to translate and understand.
But often guests will come up to my booth and ask for “some napkins” or a “a few straws.” Exactly how many is “a few,” Mr. Hill? Is it more or less than “some”?
These are just a few of the vague American English terms that often confuse me in my work environment. Given that you write so well and often use American slang as part of your JHM columns, I am hoping that you could perhaps help me quantify these terms. So that I will no longer be embarrassed and confused by WDW guest requests at my restaurant.
Attached to this e-mail, you will find a list of the terms that have confused me over the past few months. If you could attach a precise numeric value to each of these terms, I would be most grateful for your help, Mr. Hill.
I look forward to reading your reply on JimHillMedia.com.
Thank you ever so much, Mr. Hill,
Respectfully,
Call Me Confused
The above is — without a doubt — one of the oddest “Why For” questions that I have received in my life. But — that said — I still have to admit that I was kind of intrigued by Call Me Confused’s request, particularly after I opened his list.
Do you want to know the vague American English numeric terms that have been confusing Call Me Confused while he’s been working at Epcot? They are:
Few
Some
Couple
Handful
More
A Ton
Much
Too Much
Plenty
Many
Too Many
Bunch
Group
Several
A Pile Of
Enough
A Lot Of
Smattering
These are the terms that Call Me Confused has supposedly heard while on the job at Epcot’s Tempura Kiku restaurant. And — to be honest — these are all terms that I have used in everyday conversation. But — until now — I have never actually ever given any thought to what the precise numeric value of these words might be. Previously, I’ve just bandied them about in an extremely off-handed way. Saying things like “Give me a handful of cookies” and/or “Could I have some more pie, please?”
But then I get this extremely polite letter from Call Me Confused, asking me to quantify these terms that I use every day of my life. So that this Japanese National can finally be comfortable with his everyday dealings with WDW tourists. So I figure — what the hell. I can at least give this a shot.
So here was my first stab at trying to sort out the precise numeric values of the vague American English terms that Call Me Confused sent along to me:
Few = two
Couple = three
Some = four
Handful = five
Bunch = six
Several = seven
Group = eight
Enough = nine
A Ton = ten
Plenty = twenty
How did I come up with the above definitions? To be honest, a lot of them hinge on sound (“Few” sounds like “Two.” “Couple” sounds like “Triple.” “Plenty” sounds like “twenty” “Enough” sounds like “neuf,” which is the way the French way of saying “Nine.” “A Ton” sort of sounds like “Ten.”). While other words seemed (to me, anyway) to have some similarities with certain numbers (“Several” starts with the “sev” of “seven”, etc.).
Still other definitions were based on what I thought was common sense. A hand is compromised of four fingers and a thumb. Which is why I thought that a “Handful” should equal “Five.” And a “Bunch” … Well, I remember that most of the bunches of bananas that I’ve ever purchased in my life seemed to have six bananas. Which is why I thought that a “Bunch” should equal “Six.”
But — as for the rest of the terms that Call Me Confused had sent along:
Much
Too Much
Many
Too Many
A Pile Of
A Lot Of
Smattering
I have to admit that I really didn’t have a clue. But that I mean: I know that I’ve used these terms before. But I’ve never actually given any thought to what their precise numerical value might be.
Anyway … over dinner at the Timeless Diner last Friday night, I brought up Call Me Confused’s letter to Michelle, Alice and Nancy. I then told them my preliminary thoughts on what these terms might mean. Which is when the ladies immediately began disagreeing with me.
“But, Jim,” Nancy said, “A ‘couple’ can’t mean ‘two.’ After all, there are two people in a couple.”
“And everyone knows that ‘a few’ means ‘three,’ ” said Michelle definitively.
Which was when I realized that Call Me Confused’s request wasn’t going to be as easy to honor as I thought. That people could have very different personal definitions when it comes to what these somewhat vague American English terms like “Many, “Much,” “Some,” “Plenty” and “Several”mean.
Which was when I decided that maybe I’d best throw this question open to JimHillMedia.com readers. Can you folks please help me bring some precision to the English language? More importantly help poor Call Me Confused from being embarrassed every time some tourist says: “Whoah! That’s too much rice!” or “A bunch of us are thinking of dining here tonight. So will there be enough tables for our group?”
As an incentive to get JHM readers to help out with Call Me Confused’s plight, I am going to be offering prizes. I will be gifting to the person who comes up with the most eloquent and logical explanation as to what these vague America English numeric terms actually mean a copy of Jason Surrell’s excellent new book, “The Haunted Mansion: From the Magic Kingdom to the Movies.”
However — in the spirit of fairness — I will also be tallying the votes of what JHM readers think these various vague American English numeric terms mean. And the JimHillMedia.com reader’s entry that comes to the closest to matching what the group (on average) thinks these terms actually means will also win a copy of Surrell’s “Haunted Mansion” book.
All entries must be sent to my stadlerhill@mindspring.com mailing address. Only one entry per JHM reader per household please. The contest officially closes at the stroke of midnight EST on Monday, November 17th. The winners will then be announced as part of the Friday, November 21st edition of “Why For?”
So everyone get writing, okay? Poor Call Me Confused at Epcot is counting on us. So let’s not let him down.
Good Luck, everyone!