Scrooge U: Part XVII — “Scrooged” puts satirical spin on holiday favorite

Jim Hill

18 years ago

You know, when you think about it, "A Christmas Carol" has contributed many memorable phrases to our holiday vernacular. These include:

"Bah, Humbug!"
"God bless us, every one!"

And, of course, my personal favorite:

"The b*tch hit me with a toaster."

Wait a minute. That last line (I'm pretty sure) didn't come from the authentic Dickens. But — rather — Paramount Pictures' 1988 darkly comic riff on this holiday favorite, "Scrooged."

This big budget comedy stars Bill Murray as Frank Cross, the youngest network president in the history of television. And with just hours 'til Frank's network broadcasts a $40 million dollar live version of "A Christmas Carol," this anxious executive is having the holiday season from Hell.

What's the problem? Well — for starters — Preston Rhinelander (Robert Mitchum), the owner of IBC has begun giving Frank some very odd programming notes. About how their network should begin folding in content that will entice the viewers of tomorrow. Which — according to the research study that Rhinelander just commissioned — will include house cats.

And then there's Bryce Cummings (John Glover), the LA slimeball who Preston has just hired to serve as a consultant for IBC. Who's clearly already gunning for Cross' job.

And as if all this weren't bad enough … Who now appears in Frank's office but the ghost of his old boss, Lew Hayward (John Forsythe). Hayward's there to warn Cross that he has to change his ways. But when Lew tries to tell Frank about the three spirits who will soon be visiting him, the harried television exec brushes his old boss off. Saying that " … Tomorrow's bad for me, Lew, and the rest of the week is a wash-out."

So — in order to get Cross' attention — Hayward magically pushes the executive through a plate glass window, then dangles him out over 57th Street.

This — of course — totally freaks Frank out. In a blind panic, he reaches out to an old girl friend, Claire Phillips (Karen Allen). Who turns up the very next morning at IBC headquarters to check up on Cross. Just in time to find Frank (Who's now attempting to follow up on Rhinelander's order to add more cat-friendly content to the network's line-up) consulting with a stagehand about the very best way to attach a tiny set of antlers to a mouse's head.

And — as it turns out — Claire has good reason to be worried about Frank. Given that Cross soon finds himself trapped in a cab that's being driven by the Ghost of Christmas Past (David Johansen).

Who first take Frank back to 1955, where he reminds the TV exec about his cold, miserable childhood. Where Cross' only friend seemed to be the family's television set.

Next these two time-travel to the late 1970s. Where Frank — in order to further his career in broadcasting — spurns Claire's holiday plans so that he can then have dinner with his boss at the network, Lew Hayward.

Next up is the Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane). Who uses the aforementioned toaster as well as her fists in an attempt to knock some sense (or should I say compassion?) into this severely self-centered television executive.

The Ghost of Christmas Present first has Frank peek in on his secretary, Grace Cooley (Alfre Woodard). Who's been struggling to find a doctor who can properly treat her son. Who seems to be teetering on the edge of autism.

Then the Ghost of Christmas Present reminds Cross of the panhandler (Michael J. Pollard) that he stiff-armed earlier in the day. Who was only asking for two dollars so that he could then have a nice, warm place to spend the night.

Well, Frank is then confronted with the now-frozen body of this same panhandler. Who — because Cross couldn't see his way clear to giving this man a measly two bucks — wound up dying of exposure.

Now the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Be arrives on the scene. Where he shows Cross that — because Grace was unable to get proper medical attention for her son — the poor kid wound up being institutionalized. And Frank — because he treated the people in his life so miserably — winds up dying alone. With only a handful of people attending his funeral.

It's this last revelation that really gets to Frank. He actually grabs the handle of his own coffin and tries to stop the box as it begins to roll into the oven at the crematorium.

But then — in the fine "Christmas Carol" tradition — Cross finds out that he's not actually dead. That he's been given a second chance. Which — to be frank — Frank's going to need. Given that he's now being pursued by Elliot Loudermilk (Bobcat Goldthwait), a crazed IBC executive that Cross fired earlier in the day.

But after wrestling the loaded shotgun out of Elliot's hands, Frank now conspires with his former employee to hijack the network's live broadcast of "A Christmas Carol." Where Cross now steps in front of the camera to issue an impassioned plea about … Well, compassion.

Here's a few choice excerpts from Frank's speech:

It's Christmas Eve. It's the one night that we act a little nicer. We smile a little easier. We cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped that we would be.

You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun. You can call people that you haven't seen. You can call an old college roommate. You can call an old Army buddy. You can call your personal banker.

You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You have to get involved. There are people who are having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people who don't have enough to eat. There are people who are cold. You can go out and say "Hello" to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say "Here." You can make 'em a sandwich. And say "Oh, by the way, here."

And as this movie ends, Claire & Frank have reunited. And though Cross' career at IBC may now be in jeopardy, at least this harried TV exec has finally managed to reconnect with the human race.

Okay. I know. "Scrooged" isn't a perfect film. It has a lot of trouble when it comes to tone. It keeps lurching from being this incredibly black comic satire about how the television industry operates to this heartfelt look at a guy who's really lost his way in life and then back again.

More to the point, the screenplay that Mitch Glazer & Michael O'Donoghue wrote for "Scrooged" has some real problems. For starters, it tries to hit too many targets. And then there's the redundancy. I mean, was it really necessary to have two Bob Crachit characters (I.E. Grace Cooley & Elliot Loudermilk) in this movie?

But — that said — during those long stretches in "Scrooged" where this film is actually firing on all cylinders, it's an immensely entertaining motion picture with a great cast & some very funny dialogue.

What's that you say? In this review, I talked all about "Scrooged" (the movie) but didn't once mention that loopy version of "A Christmas Carol" that IBC was supposed to be broadcasting live on Christmas Eve?

Well, just follow this link to a bonus JHM article. Which takes an in-depth look at that aspect of this Paramount Pictures release.

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