I’ve been doing the “haunted theme park” thing
for seven years now. I have seen the best turn into the worst due to the
toning down of the content in some of the mazes (Universal Hollywood’s
“Halloween Horror Nights”), and I’ve been to the granddaddy
of them all (“Knott’s Scary Farm”), I’ve even been to the free
neighborhood haunted houses where they recruit the neighborhood kids to
put on a rather impressive show with the help of some of the industry’s
best effects people who just happen to conveniently own the house. (“The
Haunted House on Riverton” which — sadly, like Universal’s — no
longer exists.)
But I had never been to Spooky House.
That is…not until this past weekend.
Spooky House was started fifteen years ago as a front yard attraction
called “Bob and Dave’s Spooky House.” Eventually it became so
popular that a permanent location was set up in the San Fernando Valley
on the corner of Victory Blvd. and Topanga Canyon Blvd. in the parking
lot of an old movie theater. At first it was just the Spooky House proper,
which looked like a genuine dilapidated old house with a rather impressive
façade. Eventually, two more mazes were added; “The Realm
of Lost Souls, and (I sh*t you not) Bloodbath and Beyond. It is a shame
that the façade is the most impressive thing of the whole ordeal.
Again, as with my Knott’s Scary Farm review, I will be rating theme
and scares. I will also give a brief description of each maze.
“Spooky House”: This year’s Spooky House was based
on a haunted hotel. You enter a lobby. There is a non-animated (no pun
intended) skeleton giving you rules and guidelines about not touching
the actors in the maze. (You will then proceed to hear the very same spiel
before the other mazes for the rest of the night from exceedingly rude
people.) You enter an “elevator” that shakes and simulates falling.
The hotel is in façade only as you proceed to go through various
scenes that have nothing to do with the theme that was initially set up
outside. The actors are more concerned with discussing their love life
rather than scaring people. While a few of the effects were impressive,
this haunt is sorely lacking in all other aspects.
Theme: 3
Scares: 0
“Bloodbath and Beyond”: Don’t ask me what this maze
is about. I couldn’t tell you even if you paid me. (Well, maybe if you
paid me, I could make up something more entertaining than this half baked
excuse for a maze. Heck, I’ll do it for free.) One would suppose that
this maze would be an evil version of the store “Bed Bath and Beyond”,
but for some reason there was nothing that implies to this fact other
than a clever name. For some odd reason Freddy Krueger makes a very brief
appearance and there are visuals so bad that you can see the foam rubber
chunks falling off the corpses. Again, the scares are precious few as
the actors are talking amongst themselves and not doing their job.
Theme: 0
Scares: 0
“Realm of Lost Souls”: At least this maze started well
enough. You enter a western saloon and a wall is pulled aside as you enter
a series of caves and tunnels that eventually lead you to a cemetery where
the Wicked Witch of the West (I wish I was kidding but sadly, I’m not.)
makes an appearance. After a walk through a crypt, you enter a cave where
it gets to be smaller, and you eventually have to crawl on your hands
and knees to get through. The feeling of claustrophobia is not fun, and
this is bad enough to give you that feeling. Suddenly, you end up sliding
down a slide which has no purpose whatsoever but to disorient you further
and leave you bruised and battered. To add insult to injury, you are stopped
by a zombie who proceeds to tell you some of the worst jokes known to
man. You can’t walk by him. In fact, he won’t let you, until he tells
his awful jokes. Then the maze goes on, and on. After the slide, the last
you want to do is remain in the maze. The décor was probably the
most impressive to say the least. But again, the theme and the scares
were lost in the usual disjointed manner.
Theme: 4
Scares: 1
While “Knott’s Scary Farm” is the perfect example of how to
do a haunted theme park, “Spooky House” is not. At $18.50 a
ticket, it hardly seems worth it to go. However, you can pay $25 for the
V.I.P. access which actually makes you wait in a slightly shorter line
but for a higher price. This price is just truly insane. The experience
is not worth the price being charged this amount. You would have a better
time going to Knott’s or the Queen Mary, or even staying at home and renting
a few horror movies. This brings me to next week. Keep it right here and
I’ll give you my top ten scary movies of all time.
Rick Gutierrez was born in China but raised in the United States.
When he was old enough he returned to China and learned Martial Arts
and became an international superstar with his karate movies. Upon his
return to the states, he developed his own fighting style Jeet Kun Do.
Wait…that’s not Rick’s bio, that Bruce Lee! Rick! Rick, come back
here!