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You wanna go where every birdie knows your name…

Late last week, I finally got to check out Disneyland’s refurbished “Enchanted Tiki Room.” And I have to tell you that — what with all their new paint & feathers — I’m guessing that the AA cast of this Adventureland favorite probably look as good as they did back when this attraction first opened in June of 1963.

But — that said — I still wonder if it was a wise move for WDI to stick with “Tiki” ‘s original script.

I mean, even in its current “Offenbach”-free form, I noticed that guests were still getting up mid-way through the show and walking out of the theater. In my seat by the theater’s exit, I clearly heard one tourist grumbling to his companion: “That’s the same old show they’ve always had. I thought you said that they fixed this thing.”

Don’t get me wrong, folks. I understand “Tiki Room” ‘s historical significance (What with this Adventureland attraction being the very first show where the public got to see that Space Age wonder, Audio Animatronics). Which is why — what with Disneyland’s 50th anniversary being just around the corner and all — I guess I can respect the Imagineers’ decision to lovingly restore this attraction.

But — that said — the show is still something of a snooze. More a museum piece than a legitimate piece of entertainment. Particularly for those Disneyland guests who are under the age of 30.

“So what are you saying, Jim?,” you sputter. “That WDI should ditch the original script for this Disneyland show and go with something that’s more like WDW’s horrible ‘Enchanted Tiki Room: Under New Management’ show? Or Tokyo Disneyland’s ‘Hot! Hot! Hot!’ Tiki show?”

Well … I have to admit that I haven’t yet seen the Tokyo Disneyland version of “The Enchanted Tiki Room.” But I have seen the new “Tiki” show that Kevin Rafferty wrote for WDW’s Magic Kingdom. And while I know that I’m clearly in the minority here, I really enjoy “Under New Management.”

I think that this Disney World attraction is a skillful mix of the old & the new. It cleverly retains key elements of the original “Tiki Room” show (I.E. The theme song as well as three of the show’s original voice actors: Wally Boag, Fulton Burley and Thurl Ravencroft) while folding exciting new characters (I.E. Zazu, Iago & the Tiki goddess, Uh-Oh-A).

Plus — as an added bonus — “Under New Management” ends with the meanest joke in Disney theme park history. With Iago at the very end of the show yawning & stretching, then saying: “Well, I’m exhausted. I think I’ll go over to ‘The Hall of Presidents’ and take a nap.”

I know, I know. Jokes like that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Particularly for those of you who grew up loving every pneumatic nuance of the original version of “The Enchanted Tiki Room.” Which is why you even hate to think about the Imagineers ever changing out this Disneyland attraction.

Well, all I can say to that, folks, is … Count your blessings. For you don’t know how close you came to getting an all-new version of “The Enchanted Tiki Room” back in the 1980s that I’m sure would have driven all of you hardcore Disneyana fans totally insane.

“What are you talking about?,” you ask. It’s the mid-1980s. And Michael Eisner has just come to power at Walt Disney Productions. And one of Uncle Mikey’s top priorities is to freshen up the tired assortment of rides, shows & attractions that Disney was currently offering at its theme parks. With the key goal of this initiative being to make the parks that much more appealing to teens.

Because — then, as now — teens weren’t all that thrilled with the “Enchanted Tiki Room.” In-park survey work that was done during this period suggested that Disneyland visitors ages 12-17 thought that this Adventureland attraction to be “dull,” “slow moving” and “lame.”

So Disney’s new CEO issued an order. Find a way to make “The Enchanted Tiki Room” fresh & appealing to teens. By — perhaps — bringing in some celebrities to provide new voices for the parrots.

(You have to understand, folks, that — back in the mid-to-late 1980s — that this was Michael Eisner’s answer to everything. If a proposed ride or show seemed to lack the necessary “Oomph!” … Eisner just ordered that a few celebrities be thrown into the mix.

That’s why a number of the attractions that WDI created during this period haven’t aged all that well. I mean, take a look at that tired assortment of shows that are currently being shown at Epcot’s now-sporadically opened “Wonders of Life” pavilion. The then-hot celebrities who appear in these rides & attractions actually make these shows seem much more dated than they really are. Which is one of the main reasons that Imagineering has been looking to make a drastic overhaul of this Future World facility.

Anyway … Getting back to the “Tiki Room” redo that was proposed for the mid-to-late 1980s …)

So what’s the hottest TV show on the air during this period? NBC’s “Cheers.” That quirky little sitcom about a bar in Boston that’s managed by former Red Sox pitcher Sam Malone (Ted Danson). Where colorful characters like caustic waitress Carla Tortelli (Rhea Perlman), know-it-all Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberg) and affable barfly Norm Peterson (George Wendt) as well as dim-witted bartender Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson) interact every night.

And what was Touchstone Pictures’ hottest release during this same period? “Ruthless People,” which starred Danny Devito & Bette Midler as a battling married couple.

So WDI senior concept designer Joe Lanzisero took the “Enchanted Tiki Room,” “Cheers” and “Ruthless People” and threw them all in a blender … And then came up with a bold new concept for this Adventureland attraction that was either brilliant or insane. To be honest, to this day, I’m not quite sure how I feel about this proposed revision of “The Enchanted Tiki Room” show.

“What would this revision have been like?,” you query. Well … Picture this: You take your seat in the “Tiki Room” theater, the lights come up … And — instead of Jose, Pierre, Fritz & Michael — you’ve got four new parrots serving as the hosts of the show. One very manly sounding macaw (voiced by Danson) who begins hitting on ladies in the audience. One rather dim-witted parrot (voiced by Harrelson) who has trouble keeping track of what’s really going on in the show. Another parrot who keeps spewing pointless trivia (voiced by Ratzenberg). While the fourth — and somewhat fatter — bird (voiced by Wendt) keeps his face down in his food bowl as he gobbles up snacks.

Meanwhile, as acts for this proposed redo of “The Enchanted Tiki Room,” we’ve got:

You have to admit that — even in this bare-bones description — this sounds like a pretty ballsy redo of “The Enchanted Tiki Room.” One that would have really upped the star power of this somewhat tired Adventureland attraction.

“So why didn’t Disney opt to go forward with this plan?,” you ask. Well, for starters, Imagineering management seriously doubted that Paramount (I.E. The corporation that actually produced “Cheers”) could ever be persuaded to allow Disney to create new characters for its theme parks that were so clearly patterned after the performers who appeared on the hit NBC sitcom.

Then there was the whole “Dairy Product” aspect of this proposed “Tiki Room” redo. As in: What’s the point of replacing a theme park attraction from the 1960s that hasn’t aged all that well with another version of that same show that’s almost certain to go out-of-date fairly quickly?

Which was why the “Cheers” inspired redo of the “Enchanted Tiki Room” redo never really got beyond the concept drawing / preliminary script phase. Which (to my way of thinking, anyway) was kind of a shame.

I mean, Disneyland’s newly refurbished “Enchanted Tiki Room” is pretty and all. But — based on the 20+ people that I saw walk out of this Adventureland attraction last Friday afternoon while the show was still being performed (And let’s keep in mind that it was pouring down rain that afternoon in Anaheim. So these Disneyland guests were so bored that they’d actually rather go back out into the wet than listen to yet another rendition of “Let’s All Sing Like the Birdies Sing”) — the public still has some pretty serious problems with this show. Problems that the Imagineers will no doubt have to address at some point in the future.

So who knows? At some point, we may yet get a Bette Midler-inspired bird belting out boogie-woogie …

But — for now — I guess we should just enjoy what we have. Disneyland’s “Enchanted Tiki Room.” Which — these days (to my way of thinking, anyway) — is now more of a museum piece than an actual entertaining attraction.

Your thoughts?

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