Haunted houses, horror movies, ghost stories – none of it scares me any more. I enjoy it, I appreciate it, and I look forward to it every year. But it just doesn’t frighten me.
I wasn’t always like this. As a kid, the idea of anything spooky or gory scared the crap out of me, because I wasn’t allowed anywhere near it. The advertisements for the infamous Haunted Mansion in Long Branch, NJ, shook me so badly that I never got the nerve to go in during our family trips to the shore. Growing up, the scariest movie my dad ever took me to see was “House of Wax” (Vincent Price in 3D!) Hearing other kids talk about the latest Jason or Freddy flick conjured images far worse than anything in the actual films, which my parents forbade me to see. And on the rare occasion I did enter a haunted house (Orlando’s Mystery Fun House, Six Flags Great Adventure’s Haunted Mansion), I did it with one eye closed and the other squinting. Even the cover of “Fangoria” on the supermarket magazine rack freaked me out.
I’m not sure when my attitude towards scary stuff started to change. My next-door neighbors, who put on an annual haunted house, let me play a severed head one year, and I had a blast. When I got to high school, I became interested in theater, filmmaking, and makeup, which naturally led to an interest in horror. By the time I got to college I counted Dawn of the Dead as one of my favorite films, and I dragged my girlfriend to every midnight horror flick at the local theater.
But the big turning point came after I moved to Orlando and started working for Universal. I started on the day shift as a tech at the old Ghostbusters show, so I experienced my first Halloween Horror Nights (HHN) as a guest. But by the next year I was involved in special event production, and was neck-deep in Halloween. Over the next few years, I did everything from hang lights to apply makeup to escort “scareactors.” Seeing the event from the inside slowly stripped away my ability to be scared by it all. I no longer saw demons and ghouls, I saw actors I knew in mazes I helped build.
The final nail in the coffin was Halloween of 1999, when I stage-managed the Mummy and Doomsday haunted houses. 6 to 8 hours a night of prowling the service halls of a haunted house, earplugs barely dampening the brain-splitting soundtrack, cured me of any remaining illusions. I discovered that the actors are in far more danger from the guests than vice versa, and that drunken guys will do amazingly stupid things to prove how brave they are to their girlfriends.
By the end of that Halloween I realized that I had lost the ability to be frightened by a haunted house. My actors would try mightily to scare me during my walk-throughs, and on rare occasions one could surprise me. But it was more a startle reflex than genuine fear. Now, I walk through haunted houses admiring (or criticizing) the technical details, and predicting where the next “boo” will come from.
So how does someone like me evaluate the latest incarnation of Halloween Horror Nights, Universal Orlando’s annual orgy of terror? What criteria do you judge a haunted attraction on, if no how “scary” it is?
I review haunted houses by the same criteria as any other theme park attraction. Does it have an interesting and identifiable story? Is the theming consistent and well-designed? Does the house take you through a variety of environments in a logical progression? Are there subtle creative details that make you feel like you need to go twice to catch everything? Is it well paced, with a variety of scares properly spaced? Is it engineered to move large crowds in a safe and efficient manner? Most importantly, does it create a “realistic” immersive experience, or are you constantly reminded that you’re walking though a plywood maze?
For the impatient reader, the bottom line is that this year’s HHN is a success. Universal has done a much better job of integrating the event into Island’s of Adventure, as opposed to the obvious growing pains of last year’s event. For many in Orlando, this is a must-visit event, and visitors this year can count on getting their money’s worth.
It’s important to note one thing for the haunted house connoisseurs out there: there is no pulsing in the houses at all this year. Not even on slower nights – the queue attendants I talked to didn’t even know what “pulsing” is. For the uninitiated, that’s the practice of letting small numbers (a dozen or so) into the house with a brief gap between groups. This is the way the designers would like you to experience the houses. It’s more intimate, and therefore more frightening, and the actors have time to set up their scares better. Without pulsing you shuffle through the house on an endless conga line. This hurts the actors’ ability to scare effectively, can seriously detract from things like mirror mazes.
Unfortunately, Universal has had to bow to the pressure of running a hugely popular event. While in years past there was lip service paid to pulsing, all pretence has now been abandoned. This is understandable if you look at the math. Let’s say you sent a dozen people at a time, with just 15 seconds between groups. You’d move less than 1500 people per hour. A slow night at HHN attracts 15,000 people; a peak night 2 or 3 times that. With so few attractions open, and the houses being the main draw, the need to move people as fast as possible becomes obvious. This doesn’t ruin the houses, or make the event not worth visiting. But those used to smaller, less busy haunted houses may be in for a surprise. You best bet for an optimal experience is to visit at the very end of the night,
A final word of warning: I know from personal experience that things can change drastically between the 1st and 2nd weekends of HHN. The houses I stage managed had numerous gags and effects added after the first weekend. In years past, shows have been rewritten or recast after opening weekend. So, your mileage may vary when you visit HHN. I’ll be visiting again later in the season, and I’ll pass along any changes I notice.
Enough blather – let’s get on with the review!
Admission and Port of Evil
I arrived at 6:45pm (15 minutes before opening) on Sunday evening and found a sizeable crowd waiting to buy tickets. Regular admission is $55.33 (including tax), but annual passholders like myself can buy a “Frequent Fear” pass for $44.68. This allows unlimited visits on non-peak nights (every night except Friday and Saturday) and is a great value if you plan on visiting more than once.
I also opted to buy a Universal Express booklet for $15. This gives you one coupon for VIP admission to each ride, show, and attraction in the park. Even on an off-peak night, wait times for the houses on the night I visited ranged from 30 minutes to over an hour. The wait with the Express passes was under 5 minutes. Even though attendance was relatively light, I felt the Express was well worth the money, and I’d consider it essential on a busy night. If projected attendance is 15000 or more (ask the cashier when you buy your tickets) I suggest you spring for the Express – you’ll be glad you did when you see the queues.
After making your way through the turnstiles and security checkpoint (metal detectors are now a fact of life, sad to say), you enter the Port of Entry, now know as Port of Evil. Fog machines and giant fans create a damp “vortex” to pass through. On the other side, you’ll find demonic stilt walkers (in excellent makeup) and scantily-clad dancing girls in chains (always fun to watch). By the way, Confisco’s is the only full-service restaurant open, and it closes at 10:30pm, so if you’re hungry plan accordingly.
Port of Evil: Hello, ladies.
Toxic City
There are no haunted houses in Marvel Superhero Island this year, which is a bit disappointing. The scenic design in the streets is also less elaborate than last year. Theming consists of toxic waste barrels (cleverly marked “Property of Oscorp”) and trucks spraying foam. The mutant scareactors make this area look like the Toxic Avenger’s family reunion. “Hulk,” “Spiderman” and “Doctor Doom” are all open, but otherwise there isn’t much going on here.
Hide and Shrieek!
The massive foam party that was last year’s Toon Lagoon has, thankfully, gone away. Instead, we have spooky lighting and scareactors camouflaged to blend in with the scenery. I’m embarrassed to admit that, while trying to navigate the crowds in the dark and fog, I stepped under one of the scenic water elements and got a good soaking. “Dudley Do-Righ” is operating, but not “Popeye” (for obvious reasons).
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Halloween Adventure
For many, this is the annual highlight of HHN. The story has become as ritualized as the Latin Mass: Bill & Ted (of 80’s movie fame) show up in their time-traveling phone booth, pop-culture villains attack them, heroes show up out of nowhere to fight back, and in the end everyone joins in a big dance number. If anything, this year’s plot is more perfunctory than ever (“Plot?” asks one of Charlie’s Angels,”There’s a plot?”), and the dancing and stunts overwhelm the outrageous satire that was once the hallmark of the show. This year’s villains, Saddam and Osama, whipped the audience into a hootin-n-hollerin frenzy, but don’t go looking for sharp political humor.
This year’s characters range from the obvious (Neo and Trinity, Laura Croft) to the pointless (Justin Timberlake, Stripperella), but there are some inspired moments. The show opens with a rapping Gollum and a witty send-up of preshow safety announcements. Captain Jack Sparrow from “Pirates of the Caribbean” isn’t given enough to do, but an actor with a gift for physical comedy plays Captain Barbarras as a malfunctioning audio-animatron. There is some fun “Matrix”-style fight choreography (with 3 actors on wires simultaneously), and clever jabs at Disney, but the dance finale wears out its welcome. This year’s B&T is solid, and worth seeing, but it isn’t a classic on the level of “Kirk vs. Picard” from a few years back.
Grade: A- (for first-timers) / B- (for B&T veterans)
Ship of Screams
Scary Tales 2, last year’s house in the “Popeye” queue line, was an insult to the Scary Tales legacy. This year’s “Ship of Screams” isn’t a debacle, but it suffers from the limitations imposed by the location. By shoehorning a haunted house into the Popeye boathouse, the designers are limited in environments they can create. Even so, they’ve done a good job with the theme, especially with the use of water gags. The front half of the house is a little slow, but there are a couple of great tableaus towards the end. The “Titanic” houses from 1998 made better use of the same theme, but this house is a noble effort. Hopefully next year they’ll stop trying to use this location and go back to Marvel.
Grade: B-
Night Prey
Jurassic Park in the dark is so well-themed that not much is needed to make it spooky. Forest-camouflaged scareactors and strategically-placed flamethrowers give this island all the atmosphere it needs. “Jurassic Park River Adventure” is running (and much better in the dark).
Funhouse of Fear
Who doesn’t hate clowns? This house, located in the Thunderfalls Terrace (where Fear Factor was last year) is the most colorful and disorienting maze this year. Mirror mazes, tilted hallways, and garish colors abound. To make things worse, you are provided with a pair of 3D glasses to wear. These are simple prismatic glasses that make certain colors pop or recede, but they add greatly to the visual confusion. My only complaint is that the environment becomes a bit repetitive, and there are too many similar-looking rubber clown masks. Very different than the other houses, and a lot of fun.
Grade: B+
Jungle of Doom
The Triceratops Encounter queue is one of the most detailed in the park, and should make the perfect setting for a haunted trail. Or so you would think. The fact that it’s outdoors makes it a change of pace from the other houses, and there are some nice set pieces. I liked the barbeque-scented cannibal roast, and the ubiquitous half-naked demon girl. But most of the trail consists of lots of greenery, without enough scares or décor. Better than last year’s Evilution, but not much.
Grade: C-
Psycho Scareapy
Wow! I would never have guessed that the designers would be able to fit such a complex, detailed maze into the ground floor of the Jurassic Park Discovery Center. This house takes you through a decrepit mental asylum, from the admission desk to the TV room (cartoons, of course) to the foulest bathroom imaginable (great use of scent machines). There are even multiple paths to further unsettle you. What makes this house so great are the actors: instead of just screaming, many ramble on with bizarre, and genuinely creepy, psychotic monologues. Great stuff, I only wish it could have been longer.
Grade: A
Immortal Island
The park guide talks about a “titanic battle” between fire and ice. I saw lots of fog, and red and blue lasers. Whatever. “Dueling Dragons” is open, and is a must-ride in the dark. “Flying Unicorn” is also surprisingly enjoyable in the dark, especially in the back row, and there was no line.
Immortal Island: The rat lady is back!
Infestation
The “Director” character is this year’s icon, and the centerpiece of the controversial advertising campaign (the Orlando Sentinel ran a long article asking if the TV ad, with its images of torture, goes “too far”). He’s a creepy character as long as he keeps his mouth shut, but Infestation proves he can’t carry a show. In this “Fear Factor”-esque show, staged every 40 minutes in front of the Enchanted Oak, volunteers (paying a nominal fee) and strapped to a chair and have vermin dumped on their heads. It’s a neat concept, but there are several fatal flaws.
A creepy Infestation
For one, the roaches, scorpions, and rats are extremely docile, and are gently placed on the guest one at a time by a wrangler. Two, the critters are also removed by hand before the next victim is brought out, making for a slow-paced show with no sense of danger. These problems would be surmountable if it wasn’t for the third problem, the Director. The actor I saw in the role had the stage presence of wilted lettuce, and was heckled by the audience throughout. With a great M.C., this would be mildly amusing for reality-TV fans. Without a strong host to carry through the many dead spots in the show, this is a waste of time.
Grade: D-
All Nite DrIvE-In
This house is a massive near-miss. It starts off great, with a giant movie screen showing classic splatter films that you walk right though. The sets are well detailed and realistic, taking you from suburban Haddonfield to Camp Crystal Lake to an Elm Street boiler room. I especially admired Leatherface’s exquisitely detailed dinner table. This could have been the best house in years, if not for two problems. One, pace: there are, believe it or not, too many scareactors, and many of them look alike. At one point there were 2 Michael Meyers in the same room with me at once. I would rather have seen one hulking screen-accurate Jason than 3 short guys in store-bought hockey masks. Two, the maze is too darn short. Just when it really gets going, you’re out the door. This is surprising, considering that the house is built in a giant soundstage. A good house, but heartbreaking because it could have been great.
Grade: C+
Boo-ville
Audrey Geisel is fiercely protective of her late husband’s image, do don’t expect to see Horton Slaughters a Who. Theming in Seuss Landing is limited to lighting, fog, and spooky music. All the rides in this area are supposed to be open, though “Cat in the Hat” was closed during my visit.
Screamhouse Revisited
This was the highlight of last year’s HHN, and it’s one of the best attractions this year. Universal has created a detailed and realistic environment, starting with the startlingly real decaying house façade you enter. This house features a variety of environments, from claustrophobic parlors to outdoor graveyards. There is also a healthy dose of gore, something that has been in short supply at HHN since 2001. The only disappointment is that the house seems a little less elaborate than last year’s, and the excellent mirror gag from last year’s finale is gone.
Grade: A-
The awesome Screamhouse façade
HHN 13 Overall grade: B+.
That, folks, is Halloween Horror Nights 13. They’ve learned a lot from last year’s failures, and I expect them to do even better next year. It’s disappointing (though not unexpected) that the early rumors of an “extreme” haunted house experience turned out to be the limp Infestation show. I’d like to see more live entertainment next year, and I miss the parade. I’d love to see the next Bill & Ted show discard some of its more tired conventions and focus on sharper parody. The park will be brutal on peak nights, and uncomfortable on all but the slowest, making the Express passes are worth their weight in gold. None of these criticisms stop Halloween Horror Nights from being one of the best theme-park experiences you’ll ever have.
So if you’re in Orlando this month, be sure to pay a visit to all the monsters and maniacs at Universal. Just don’t blame me if you don’t make it back…