If you live anywhere in the New York/New Jersey/Philadelphia area, you’ve probably seen the ads.

“New this season at Six Flags Great Adventure: Superman – Ultimate Flight.” Soar through the air like the Man of Steel, suspended lying on your belly with your arms stretched out in front of you. Hurry hurry hurry! Step right up! Fun for the whole family. How can any rollercoaster fan resist the opportunity to fly the way God (or Siegel & Schuster) intended?

Growing up in Jersey, I had a love-hate relationship with Six Flags. Apart from infrequent family vacations to Orlando, Hershey, or Lake George, it was my first exposure to amusement parks. I remember having the spit scared out of me in the Haunted Mansion only weeks before the tragic 1984 fire that killed 8 guests. I struggled in vain to read a G-force meter while plummeting down the Freefall ride during a physics class school trip. And the Great American Scream Machine was my introduction to looping coasters.

But as I got older, and visited more parks around the country, I realized just how awful a park Great Adventure was. The filth and decay of the facility was often shocking. Major rides were frequently torn down after only a couple years of operation, usually for safety or maintenance issues. Years before our current post-9/11 obsession with security, metal detectors were installed to deal with rampant gang violence. Only last month, a train full of rides made headlines when they were trapped for 20 minutes hanging upside down on the Chiller coaster.

At a certain point I vowed never to return. My last visit was shortly after the opening of Viper, a Togo heartline coaster built in the same spot as the long-defunct Ultra Twister heartline. But the lure of Superman was just too great. As a dedicated observer of all things amusement, I considered it my sacred duty to try this latest-and-greatest for myself. So, while spending a couple weeks vacation at the folks’ place in North Jersey, I hopped in the car and made the hour (or hour and a half — thank you very much, NJDOT construction) drive down the Turnpike to Jackson. A quiet Tuesday at the end of the season. Slightly overcast but dry and warm — the perfect day for visit. Or so one would think…

Approaching the Six Flags complex, you are given the choice of entering the Hurricane Harbor water park, the drive-thru Safari (“Warning: Monkeys WILL damage your vehicle. No convertibles allowed.) or the theme park. After paying $10 (seriously!) to enter the theme park parking lot, I got my first clue as to how the day would proceed: no parking attendants. Not a single one, for a lot nearly the size of any at Disney. It was a free-for-all, with cars parking the wrong direction and small children nearly being run down. To top it off, there are no row or space numbers, just a few poles marked A though H scattered around the enormous lot.

I joined the throng streaming towards the main entrance, and received my second clue: massive lines stretching out from the ticket booths. With no queue stanchions or greeters to be seen, the lines more closely resembled an angry mob. My only bit of good luck was to find a line that was half as long as most of the others, and a family with “Buy 1, get 1 free” tickets and an odd number of people. Twenty minutes and a quick frisking from security later, I had my $24 half-price ticket and was in the park.

My first stop was Guest Relations. I could tell immediately by the crowds at the entrance that my plans to visit on a low-attendance day had failed miserably. I had read on their user-unfriendly website about their new Fastlane system. Introduced in 2001, and revamped for this season, it takes Disney’s Fastpass to another level. Unfortunately, the level it takes it to seems to be the bottom level of Dante’s Inferno.

For an initial $20 plus deposit (plus another $10 for each additional member of your party, up to 6 people) you receive a “Q-Bot.” This is a pager-like device with a couple of buttons and a small LCD text display. At 12 of the most popular rides in park, you insert your Q-Bot into a kiosk and receive a time to return for your ride. You can go around the park and load up reservations for each of the 12 rides, unlike the one-at-a-time system at Disney. When the reservation time for your first attraction arrives, you return and place your Q-Bot in another kiosk. After fighting your way up the ride exit (since none of the queues were designed to accommodate this system) you are allowed to ride after a brief wait. Fifteen minutes after you exit the ride, your Q-Bot with give you the time and location of your next ride.

But wait, there’s more! For double the price of a regular Q-Bot, you can get a Gold Q-Bot. This will cut your wait time even shorter than a normal Q-Bot. How much shorter? Who knows. They claim between 50% and 75% less waiting for your return time, but your mileage may vary. Oh, and these prices only apply for regular ticket holders. There’s an entirely different price structure for Season Passholders.

By the time the Guest Service rep explained all this to me, my head was spinning. The multi-level caste system they’ve devised would make a Brahmin blush. Disney’s Fastpass, controversial as it is, is downright egalitarian in comparison. First come, first serve, one pass at a time, and it’s included in the price no matter what kind of ticket you have.

This Q-Bot seems closer to the Destination Disney plans for a complete pre-planned itinerary. I must admit my inner geek was intrigued by the idea of a new toy to play with. And isn’t this what American capitalism is all about? Those with cash and the willingness to spend it should be privileged above those without. Maybe the future is an eBay-sponsored auction at the front of each attraction, with the high bidders escorted to the front and those who don’t make the minimum reserve kicked out of the park.

The other option, buried deep on the website and not advertised publicly in the park, is a VIP pass. For $50 per person (plus refundable deposit) you get a badge allowing you unlimited back-door access to every ride and attraction in the park. You are allowed past everyone waiting, including Q-Bot users, and can even request the front row. The pass is only supposed to be good for 4 hours. However, the times on the pass are printed in military time, which none of the ride attendants seem to understand, so I was able to get nearly six hours of use from it.

With the VIP pass, my total cost just over $75 (not counting food), but I would have to say I wouldn’t visit the park any other way. The standard lines for the coasters ranged from 45 minutes to over 2 hours, and even the most minor rides had 20 minute waits. In the course of my day, I discover just what kind of bullet I dodged by declining the Q-Bot. For starters, the line to get a Q-Bot runs between one and two hours. The queue to get one stretches for hundreds of people, all filling out paperwork and handing over deposits in case they lose the $180 devices, with only 4 attendants to move the line along. Perhaps they need a Fastlane for getting your Fastlane.

Second, I encountered scores of people who had technical difficulties with their Q-Bot. The most common complaint was that the Q-Bot didn’t recognize that they had completed their ride, and failed to give them a new reservation. Other times, the Q-Bot would tell the person to go to a ride they had already been on, or give a time window that had already passed.

Even when the Q-Bots work correctly, the nature of the system makes for long gaps between reservation times. Even if you load up reservations for all 12 rides immediately upon entering the park, you are not added to the virtual queue for a ride until you have completed the previous ride. Therefore, it’s not uncommon to get off a ride and discover that your next ride time isn’t for several hours. Finally, the multi-level system can make for bizarre reservations. I talked to one woman who made her first reservation around noon, and didn’t get her first return time until nearly 7pm.

At the end of the day, when I returned to Guest Services to get my deposit back, I discovered a long line full of irate people. Half the line was composed of people who didn’t get a Q-Bot and only got to ride 2 or 3 rides all day. They were incensed that just because they didn’t pay extra they didn’t get to experience many rides, and they wanted their money back. The other half of the line was composed of people who DID get a Q-Bot and only got to ride 2 or 3 rides all day. They were incensed that even though they paid extra they didn’t get to experience many rides, and they wanted their money back. One woman became apoplectic, screaming bloody murder at the guest service rep as her husband and small children watched. I got out just as security came to drag her away. It was, perhaps, the best show of the day.

My cynical conclusion is that the Fastlane system is a deliberate red herring. The real problem with Six Flags is the massive inefficiency of the ride employees. For example, Superman is designed to move 1500 guests per hour. The attendants I spoke with said the most they have ever moved through is just over 1300 in an hour, and they usually move less. To have a major ride on a peak day running at barely 80% capacity is a crime. Most of the other coasters are even worse, frequently running 2 trains on rides designed for 3, and leaving many empty seats on each cycle. The Fastlane and VIP guests exacerbate the capacity issue, but they don’t cause it. What the Fastlane system allows park management to do is deflect the anger of irate guests towards a secondary target, while failing to address the fundamental issue. It’s easier to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic by fiddling with Q-Bots than to invest in more efficient training and loading procedures.

So, one hour and $75 after arriving, I was finally ready for my first ride of the day. Before I address specific attractions, let me share some general observations about the park.

1) Great Adventure is set on an enormous lakefront property, nestled in a beautiful forest of mature trees. Bush Gardens took a similar setting in Williamsburg, VA and turned it into one of the most beautiful parks in the world. Six Flags managed to turn their slice of nature into a painful eyesore. The park has the aesthetic appeal of a mall parking lot. In theory there a 6 themed areas, but the only thing that distinguishes one section for another is a change in paint color — ugly brown, ugly green, faded white, etc.

Compounding the problem is the terrible condition of the park. There appears to be no maintenance budgeted for the park. Everywhere is chipped paint, broken railings, and burnt light bulbs. Trash overflows without a sweeper in sight. Service vehicles are parked in full view of guests, and employee costumes are often dirty or mismatched. Even attractions that are only a couple of seasons old look rusty and neglected. Those critics who nitpick Disneyland over every fleck of paint would have their heads explode if they ever visited this place.

2) If you don’t like thrill rides, go away. This isn’t a theme park, or a family park. It’s a coaster park. There are 8 major coasters, a couple state-fair quality spin-and-puke rides, and a handful of kiddie rides. With the exception of a couple of log flumes and a Ferris wheel, there’s next to nothing for the whole family to enjoy together.

3) If you are a fan of live entertainment, go to Broadway. In years past, Six Flags staged some enjoyable stunt shows based on popular movies, such as Batman and Robin Hood. Now, the stunt stadium sits vacant. Entertainment today consists of a kid’s character show and parade, a brief acrobat show, a water-ski show, and a dolphin “discovery.” There is also a fireworks display on peak nights that I didn’t get to see.

The ski and dolphin shows both feature enthusiastic but unpolished performers slogging through poorly-scripted routines as obnoxious music is pumped out of blown speakers. The water skiers landed about four tricks out of five, and the cramped pools the dolphins call home were shocking to this SeaWorld veteran. Subtleties of pace, timing, and theme are completely absent. And shows started as much as 10 minutes after the posted time, a particular pet peeve of mine.

4) Someone needs to teach Six Flags how to leverage their characters. Due to their licensing agreement with Warner Bros., they have access to some of the most recognizable properties outside of Disney. Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes are better-known to today’s kids than Mickey, according to surveys. Add to that the DC comic book heroes, and you have the makings of a fine stable of walk-around characters. But at Six Flags opportunities for character meet and greets are shockingly sparse. Bugs and a hand full of his friends make 5 daily appearances at a single location, in addition to the brief character show in the kiddie section. The guide maps claims more characters can be found at the Character Café, but I couldn’t find them. There are no walk-around superheroes to be found at all. Wouldn’t it be logical to have a Superman face character posing in front of his hyped new ride? Or Batman in front of his? Warner’s MovieWorld in Australia takes these same characters and treats them right. Check out the special currently running on Discovery HD for stunning views of what Six Flags could be doing.

5) Last, but certainly not least, Six Flags employees are the worst I have encountered anywhere in the country. This park is not a good advertisement for the New Jersey public school system. Part of the problem is the nature of a seasonal park: just as employees figure out what they’re doing, everyone is out of a job for the winter, and a whole new crew is trained the next year. Part of the problem is understaffing: even on a peak day, there were only 2 or at most 3 employees working each ride. Not a single ride had a greeter, and at several coasters one employee was responsible for safety checking the entire train. And part of the problem is a lack of management supervision. In the entire day I saw only 3 people who appeared to be leads.

But the biggest problem is the poor quality of many of the employees themselves. Nearly every employee I personally interacted with was apathetic, impatient, or just plain rude. Some were stunning in their ignorance of park policies, ride procedures, and simple common sense.

For example, at one coaster the attendant kept yelling at guests to exit to the left, and couldn’t figure out why they kept getting out on the wrong side. She never seemed to clue in that her left was the guests’ right. At another ride, when I requested a seat in the front row, I was told I’d have to wait six trains to ride. When I pointed out that they were dispatching trains with empty seats in the front, they simply repeated the six train rule.

After a guest “protein spill,” I watched them close off the affected row and all the rows behind it. They sprayed the one seat with Lysol, but left the rest of the seats untouched. After running the train half-empty for a number of cycles, they reopened all the seats. Perhaps they were attempting to air-dry the train? Bizzaro-world experiences like these were the norm throughout the day. They signaled not just apathy or lack of training, but something more serious like high levels of lead in the drinking water.

All right, enough carping. Let’s get to the rides themselves, starting with the one I made the trip for. Wherever possible, I experienced each coaster at least twice, once from the front row and once from the back.

Superman – Ultimate Flight: Winner of the “We made a great commercial, not a great ride” award. Superman takes a compelling concept and fails to make an interesting ride out of it. The seats resemble a standard inverted coaster, with the addition of full chest and shin restraints. The best moment of the ride comes before you leave the station, as the floor drops and the seats pivot back into a prone position. This never fails to elicit laughter and cheers from the riders. But you soon realize the fatal flaw in the seat design: the restraints and headrest prevent you from looking up or extending your arms. You don’t soar in the classic Superman pose as advertised. Instead, with your knees bent and your chin tucked, you resemble Supes after a Kryponite-laced burrito. If you are seated in the front row (an additional half-hour wait) you can strain your head up for a view of the track. Sit in any other row and you get a view of the ground and the seat in front of you.

The ride track itself also fails to deliver. The first drop takes you into a unique “pretzel loop,” which involves a diving loop. The experience of diving headfirst, then lying on your back facing opposite the direction of travel, is unique and thrilling. It almost saves the ride. But the majority of the ride is spent in simple sweeping turns, leading all too quickly to the second and final inversion, a barrel roll. This leads abruptly to a final break run and the return to the station, making for a short and poorly paced ride.

Total ride time, from the top of the lift hill to the brakes, is under a minute. It’s as if the designers knew the novelty of “flying” would attract riders, so they didn’t bother with the rest of the ride. It’s by no means a terrible ride, but certainly not worth the over 2 hour wait that was the norm during my visit. And all you’ll have to entertain you during that wait is some painted flats of Superman characters and the expanse of the parking lot.

Great American Scream Machine: This is the ride that redefined the word “headbanger.” With seven inversions, it was one of the tallest and fastest coasters in the world when built. A rough ride when it opened, time has made it into one of the world’s most painful coasters. Add in the overly-restrictive harnesses and too-low headrests, and you have a ride that has kept New Jersey’s chiropractors in luxury homes. A ride in the front seat is brutal, while a ride in the back would put the Spanish Inquisition to shame. Coaster junkies are advised to ride once, and have a muscle relaxer and neck brace on hand. And remember to remove your glasses and earrings or you may pierce your jugular.

Rolling Thunder: An oldie but a goodie. This classic racer is everything a wooden coaster should be: Bone-jarring, teeth-loosening, and utterly terrifying. In the back seat, the lap bars allow you so much airtime you’ll fear for your life. It recently received a much-needed paint job, but the cars still rattle and squeak like they’re on their last legs. The only negative is that they only seem to run one track, depriving you of the racing element the designers intended. Two white-knuckled thumbs up.

Medusa: Hands-down, the best coaster in the park. Perhaps the best coaster on the East Coast. This is a B&M floorless, meaning you sit in an inverted coaster style chair, but with the track below you. Sitting in the front car is like being tied to the front of a speeding train. This coaster is as powerful as any I’ve been on, and as smooth as glass. The seven inversions are perfectly paced, and the interlocking corkscrews are a thing of beauty. The only coaster I’ve experienced that can give it a run for it’s money is it’s cousin Kraken at SeaWorld Orlando.

Runaway Mine Train: The park’s first steel coaster, it predates Disney’s Big Thunder Mountain. A fun little ride, it features some nice dips over scenic lake setting. A pleasant ride, with a nice little kick if you sit in the back row.

Skull Mountain: Six Flag’s attempt at an indoor themed coaster. An impressive-looking façade leads to a nicely air-conditioned queue. The ride itself is a simple family coaster in pitch darkness. Or, rather, it would be pitch darkness if the maintenance doors didn’t leak light, exposing the beams. Not worth a long wait, it does give some nice airtime in the back row.

Nitro: Second best coaster in the park. This 230-foot mega-coaster feature 7 intense drops. The lift hill just seems to go up and up forever. The design of the lapbars prevent you from getting as much air as I would like, but it is still an intense experience. The front row provides the best view, but not nearly the G-forces or air of the back. On my second ride, a guest in the front lost a pack of cigarettes, which my seatmate snatched out the air — an impressive feat!

Batman The Ride: The classic inverted coaster, cloned at Six Flags across the country, still packs a punch. It features the park’s most successful attempt at queue theming, though most of the garbage and grafitti is now authentic rather than scenic. The Batcave now looks much the worse for wear. Perhaps millionare Bruce Wayne was invested heavily in Enron. But the ride itself is just as thrilling as ever. Though not the tallest or fastest coaster, it is one of the tightest and best-paced. One perfectly engineered element leads right into the next, leaving you breathless by the end. The third-best coaster in the park, not to be missed.

Batman and Robin – The Chiller: A linear induction shuttle coaster, it sends you through a series of inversions forward and then backwards. The launch is the best part, on par with Rock N Roller Coaster, though not as thrilling as Hulk. The two tracks are similar, though not identical, but only one side was running. [Editor’s note: The earlier note about the coaster being closed due to an accident that stranded several guests was incorrect. The “Batman” side has been closed all season. It was the “Robin” side, which is now running, which was involved in the incident. We apologize for the error.] The one-train-at-a-time design usually makes the wait longer than it’s worth, and the restraint design is unnecessarily constricting.

Houdini – The Great Escape: This is an odd one, and seems like it belongs in another park. An elaborately themed preshow sets up the story that you are attempting to contact the spirit of the late Harry Houdini. Since Houdini was a famed skeptic and debunker of spiritualists, this seems like an odd theme.But let’s go with it.

The main show is a Vekoma haunted swing, similar to one at Dutch Wonderland and Alton Towers, combined with lighting and sound effects. The illusion that the room is turning upside down is quite effective. A fun way to get out of the heat for a few minutes.

The Right Stuff Mach 1 Adventure: This was the most entertaining experience of the day. Not because of the queue, a barren hanger that still bears the sign from “Dino Island,” the ride it replaced (which itself was a replacement for the original “Right Stuff” ride). And not because of the pre-show, a brief collection of clips from the old “Right Stuff” movie displayed on a bank of monitors with bad burn-in. And certainly not because of the ride itself, a barely-competent simulator that uses frequent edits and shifts of perspective in the ride film, destroying the necessary suspension of disbelief.

No, the most amusing part of the day was watching the ride’s two attendants have a screaming match in front of the guests over whether or not the seatbelts were all fastened. An entire room of guests, captive in their seats, chuckled nervously as these two future employees-of-the-month went at it. Their argument lasted longer than the ride itself, and when it was over they treated us to incongruous booty-rap music as we exited.

That covers the park’s major attractions. By three hours before closing I was more than ready to head home. I left with a sunburn and a much greater appreciation for the benefits of living in Orlando.

But despite the decaying facilities and moronic employees, we need places like Six Flags. Because they are unconcerned with theming, guest experience, or ride longevity, they can experiment with new ride technologies in a way that Disney and Univesral don’t. Clear some land, throw up some iron, and if it doesn’t work just tear it down next year. This lack of care can lead to bad guest experiences, but it can also spur innovation. If not for Freefall, we wouldn’t have Tower of Terror. If not for Batman, there would be no Dueling Dragons. Technologies like linear induction motors are eventually picked up by the big boys and wedded with story and scenic design, after Six Flags patrons have served as guinea pigs.

Imagine a ride combining the multi-dimensional seating of Superman or X, with a linear induction launch system like The Chiller, and large-format projection. Such a combination would be just what Universal or Disney would need to do justice to a property like “The Matrix.” And you can get a glimpse of the future today, if only you’re willing to suffer through the purgatory that is Great Adventure.