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The Essential Geek #5: The Star Wars Holiday Special

Matt Springer is back for the holidays with a not-so-fond look back on one of the more infamous things that George Lucas may have wished he never created. And we’re not talking about Jar Jar Binks …

Published

21 years ago

on

I have many memories from the line-up for “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace.”

Sitting damp under a trash bag on Ohio Street during a torrential downpour and chatting with my friend who got to see the movie early (***). Missing Roger Ebert and his interview team by that much. Dragging a massive tarp down the block to a pack of fans desperately in need of protection from the elements. Making new best friends every ten minutes.

But perhaps my strangest memory is waking up in a hotel room after a brief bit of sleep to find my copy of the “Star Wars Holiday Special” playing on the hotel room TV. In a state of absolute exhaustion and adrenaline-fueled mania, it was like visiting someone else’s brain to watch an acid trip. Even now, watching it on a full evening of sleep and minus any influencing narcotics, it’s an unspeakably odd spectacle.

What is the “Star Wars Holiday Special,” you ask? In a sense, the classic edict holds true: For those who’ve seen it, no explanation is necessary. For those who haven’t, no explanation will suffice. The short version is that in November of 1978, CBS aired the two-hour “Star Wars Holiday Special,” featuring the ENTIRE cast of the original “Star Wars” feature film, save Alec Guinness and Peter Cushing. Everyone from Harrison Ford to James Earl Jones and the midget inside R2D2 were in this thing. Also appearing were such seventies TV icons as Bea Arthur, Art Carney and Harvey Korman. Musical entertainment was provided by Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship. Oh, and Carrie Fisher sang too. Poorly.

The long answer is that the “Star Wars Holiday Special” is one of the most abysmal and unintentionally hilarious slices of televised dreck that has ever been produced. Legend has it that George Lucas himself collaborated on the story for the special before moving on to production of “The Empire Strikes Back.” Suffice it to say that his efforts on the “Holiday Special” make the prequels look like “Citizen Kane.”

The “story” has Chewbacca and Han Solo racing to Chewie’s home planet of Kashyyyk (nope, I can’t pronounce it either) so that the Wookiee can celebrate Life Day with his family. Meanwhile, back on Kashyyyk (still can’t pronounce it!), the Chewie family is being hunted by the Empire since their daddy/husband/son is now a wanted member of the Rebel Alliance. Luckily, the Chewie family has Art Carney to help them hide. (Trust me, you’d have a hard time finding them too if when you tracked them down, a sad old man gamely tried to resurrect old classic “Honeymooners” bits for you.) Of course, they do end up escaping the bad guys and Chewie makes it home, along with Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker, for a rousing musical number loosely based on the “Star Wars” main theme.

This year marks the 25th anniversary of the Holiday Special, although if you’ve ever seen it, you probably feel like the special itself seems about 25 years long. At it begins, it seems like a fun enough way to spend two hours, especially when Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford both pop up on screen. It’s like discovering a long-lost “Star Wars” film. Unfortunately, this long-lost film should have stayed lost.

Things first take a turn for the worse when we find ourselves spending interminable minutes in Chewie’s home hanging out with his family. We meet his wife Mala, his son Lumpy, and his father Itchy. (Nope, no typos there. Mala, Lumpy and Itchy. Who woulda thought a guy named Chewbacca would be the one who got lucky when monickers were handed out?) These sequences with the Wookiees feature absolutely NO dialogue save the occasional moan or grunt from the Wookiees in question. They could be fighting, they could be swearing, they could be discussing their daddy’s spice-selling side business for all we know.

Once we’ve spent a good long solid time being lulled into a coma by the mind-numbing spectacle of Wookiees at home (which comes off surprisingly like an episode of “The Osbournes,” unintelligible grunts and all), we pop around for the rest of the special between the Wookiees and our classic “Star Wars” heroes, with the occasional strange vignette appearing for the sake of variety.

Harvey Korman appears as a chef on a Wookiee cooking show with something like fifteen thousand arms. Much comedy ensues when his various appendages do various funny appendageish things. In the special’s most surreal moment (and THAT is a tough competition to win), Bea Arthur has a wistful musical number as the bartender of a cantina in Mos Eisley who must kick out her patrons after the Empire closes her club early. Harvey Korman again appears in that “sketch” as a drunkard who can pour booze into the top of his head and has a crush on Bea.

But in terms of sheer strangeness, bald queasy weird badness, the most AWFUL of the TRULY AWFUL moments, it doesn’t get any better than Diahann Carroll’s guest spot. You see, even Wookiees have sexual needs, even aging grey perverse Wookiees who’ve fathered heroes of the Rebel Alliance. When Itchy gets, uh, ITCHY, he straps on this virtual reality contraption that allows him to view Diahann Carroll seductively singing a torch song. Before she sings, she coos into the camera, “I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me.”

How many therapists have put braces on their kids’ teeth just from the sad Star Wars geeks who had their brains twisted forever by viewing the above atrocity and needed extensive counseling to ever experience sex correctly again? If the word “Itchy” inspires impotence in you, or even for some unspeakable reason arousal, you may be a victim. Seek help now.

The “Star Wars Holiday Special” can’t really be put into words. Well, it can, but they’re just a few short words, like “suckage” and “despicable” and “so very bad it’s very good.” And yet, it endures in the hearts of geeks everywhere. For fans who were kids when it was released, it’s a memory of an unforgettable moment when the characters they loved so much in theaters (before the days of endless replay via home video) actually made an appearance on their TV screens. For fans who were lucky enough to avoid the special when it was first broadcast, it’s an unassailable sliver of kitsch, ripe for all kinds of mockery and the occasional jaw-drop of astonishment.

True Star Wars geeks will also note the special for its introduction of a little character who looms large in the hearts of nerds around the globe, Mr. Boba Fett. Nelvana produced a short cartoon featurette starring the bounty hunter, which appears in the midst of the strangeness as a cartoon that lil’ Lumpy is watching and comprises perhaps the only portion of the special that decent folks with decent taste can actually stomach. Is the whole thing worth watching just for the cartoon? Only if you wear Han Solo Underoos to bed.

Of course, now you want to see the special for yourself. Sadly, Lucas has made it clear that the show should never be broadcast again or released on video. Luckily, intrepid video bootleggers have built a cottage industry out of selling dubbed tapes of the special. The best I can recommend is to check out Ebay early and often. A search just now for “Star Wars Holiday Special” dug up ten to fifteen auctions, and you should be able to pick up your own tape for around twenty bucks, tops. You will also have luck visiting the various bootlegger tables at your favorite sci-fi convention.

Above all this holiday season, I’m thankful for the “Star Wars Holiday Special.” Not just that it exists and that I can make fun of it for a thousand words on a high-falutin’ website, but because it’s around for Christmastime. Any other time of year, this hunk of crap would be virtually unwatchable. But mix together a tape of the special, some good friends, a heaping helping of yule cheer and a keg or two of leaded eggnog, and you’ve got yourself a party.

Happy Life Day, everyone!

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Seward Johnson bronzes add a surreal, artistic touch to NYC’s Garment District

Published

10 years ago

on

June 23, 2015

By

Greetings from NYC. Nancy and I drove down from New
Hampshire yesterday because we'll be checking out
Disney Consumer Products' annual Holiday Showcase later today.

Anyway … After checking into our hotel (i.e., The Paul.
Which is located down in NYC's NoMad district), we decided to grab some dinner.
Which is how we wound up at the Melt Shop.


Photo by Jim Hill

Which is this restaurant that only sells grilled cheese sandwiches.
This comfort food was delicious, but kind of on the heavy side.


Photo by Jim Hill

Which is why — given that it was a beautiful summer night
— we'd then try and walk off our meals. We started our stroll down by the Empire
State Building
…


Photo by Jim Hill

… and eventually wound up just below Times
Square (right behind where the Waterford Crystal Times Square New
Year's Eve Ball is kept).


Photo by Jim Hill

But you know what we discovered en route? Right in the heart
of Manhattan's Garment District
along Broadway between 36th and 41st? This incredibly cool series of life-like
and life-sized sculptures that Seward
Johnson has created.


Photo by Jim Hill

And — yes — that is Abraham Lincoln (who seems to have
slipped out of WDW's Hall of Presidents when no one was looking and is now
leading tourists around Times Square). These 18 painted
bronze pieces (which were just installed late this past Sunday night / early
Monday morning) range from the surreal to the all-too-real.


Photo by Jim Hill

Some of these pieces look like typical New Yorkers. Like the
business woman planning out her day …


Photo by Jim Hill

… the postman delivering the mail …


Photo by Jim Hill

… the hot dog vendor working at his cart …


Photo by Jim Hill


Photo by Jim Hill

… the street musician playing for tourists …


Photo by Jim Hill

Not to mention the tourists themselves.


Photo by Jim Hill

But right alongside the bronze businessmen …


Photo by Jim Hill

… and the tired grandmother hauling her groceries home …


Photo by Jim Hill

… there were also statues representing people who were
from out-of-town …


Photo by Jim Hill

… or — for that matter — out-of-time.


Photo by Jim Hill

These were the Seward Johnson pieces that genuinely beguiled. Famous impressionist paintings brought to life in three dimensions.


Note the out-of-period water bottle that some tourist left
behind. Photo by Jim Hill 

Some of them so lifelike that you actually had to pause for
a moment (especially as day gave way to night in the city) and say to yourself
"Is that one of the bronzes? Or just someone pretending to be one of these
bronzes?"

Mind you, for those of you who aren't big fans of the
impressionists …


Photo by Jim Hill

… there's also an array of American icons. Among them
Marilyn Monroe …


Photo by Jim Hill

… and that farmer couple from Grant Wood's "American
Gothic."


Photo by Jim Hill

But for those of you who know your NYC history, it's hard to
beat that piece which recreates Alfred Eisenstaedt's famous photograph of V-J Day in Times Square.


Photo by Jim Hill

By the way, a 25-foot-tall version of this particular Seward
Johnson piece ( which — FYI — is entitled "Embracing Peace") will actually
be placed in Times Square for a few days on or around  August 14th to commemorate the 70th
anniversary of Victory Over Japan Day (V-J Day).


Photo by Jim Hill

By the way, if you'd like to check these Seward Johnson bronzes in
person (which — it should be noted — are part of the part of the Garment
District Alliance's new public art offering) — you'd best schedule a trip to
the City sometime over the next three months. For these pieces will only be on
display now through September 15th. 

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Wondering what you should “Boldly Go” see at the movies next year? The 2015 Licensing Expo offers you some clues

Published

10 years ago

on

June 10, 2015

By

Greeting from the 2015 Licensing Expo, which is being held
at the Mandalay Bay
Convention Center in Las
Vegas.


Photo by Jim Hill

I have to admit that I enjoy covering the Licensing Expo.
Mostly becomes it allows bloggers & entertainment writers like myself to
get a peek over the horizon. Scope out some of the major motion pictures &
TV shows that today's vertically integrated entertainment conglomerates
(Remember when these companies used to be called movie studios?) will be
sending our way over the next two years or so.


Photo by Jim Hill

Take — for example — all of "The Secret Life of
Pets" banners that greeted Expo attendees as they made their way to the
show floor today. I actually got to see some footage from this new Illumination
Entertainment production (which will hit theaters on July 8, 2016) the last time I was in Vegas. Which
was for CinemaCon back in April. And the five or so minutes of film that I viewed
suggested that "The Secret Life of Pets" will be a really funny
animated feature.


Photo by Jim Hill

Mind you, Universal Pictures wanted to make sure that Expo
attendees remembered that there was another Illumination Entertainment production
coming-to-a-theater-near-them before "The Secret Life of Pets" (And
that's "Minions," the "Despicable Me" prequel. Which
premieres at the Annecy International Animated Film Festival next week but
won't be screened stateside 'til July 10th of this year). Which is why they had
three minions who were made entirely out of LEGOS loitering out in the lobby.


Photo by Jim Hill

And Warner Bros. — because they wanted "Batman v
Superman: Dawn of Justice" to start trending on Twitter today — brought
the Batmobile to Las Vegas.


Photo by Jim Hill

Not to mention full-sized macquettes of Batman, Superman and
Wonder Woman. Just so conventioneers could then see what these DC superheroes
would actually look like in this eagerly anticipated, March 25, 2016 release.


Photo by Jim Hill

That's the thing that can sometimes be a wee bit frustrating
about the Licensing Expo. It's all about delayed gratification. You'll come
around a corner and see this 100 foot-long ad for "The Peanuts Movie"
and think "Hey, that looks great. I want to see that Blue Sky Studios production
right now." It's only then that you notice the fine print and realize that
"The Peanuts Movie" doesn't actually open in theaters 'til November
6th of this year.


Photo by Jim Hill

And fan of Blue Sky's "Ice Age" film franchise are in for an even
longer wait. Given that the latest installment in that top grossing series
doesn't arrive in theaters 'til July
15, 2016.


Photo by Jim Hill

Of course, if you're one of those people who needs immediate
gratification when it comes to your entertainment, there was stuff like that to
be found at this year's Licensing Expo. Take — for example — how the WWE
booth was actually shaped like a wrestling ring. Which — I'm guessing — meant
that if the executives of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. didn't like
the offer that you were making, they were then allowed to toss you out over the
top rope, Royal Rumble-style.


Photo by Jim Hill

I also have to admit that — as a longtime Star Trek fan —
it was cool to see the enormous Starship Enterprise that hung in place over the
CBS booth. Not to mention getting a glimpse of the official Star Trek 50th
Anniversary logo.


Photo by Jim Hill

I was also pleased to see lots of activity in The Jim Henson
Company booth. Which suggests that JHC has actually finally carved out a
post-Muppets identity for itself.


Photo by Jim Hill

Likewise for all of us who were getting a little concerned
about DreamWorks Animation (what with all the layoffs & write-downs &
projects that were put into turnaround or outright cancelled last year), it was
nice to see that booth bustling.


Photo by Jim Hill

Every so often, you'd come across some people who were
promoting a movie that you weren't entirely sure that you actually wanted to
see (EX: "Angry Birds," which Sony Pictures Entertainment / Columbia
Pictures will be releasing to theaters on May 20, 2016). But then you remembered that Clay Kaytis —
who's this hugely talented former Walt Disney Animation Studios animator — is
riding herd on "Angry Birds" with Fergal Reilly. And you'd think
"Well, if Clay's working on 'Angry Birds,' I'm sure this animated feature
will turn out fine."


Photo by Jim Hill

Mind you, there were reminders at this year's Licensing Expo
of great animated features that we're never going to get to see now. I still
can't believe — especially after that brilliant proof-of-concept footage
popped up online last year — that Sony execs decided not to go forward
with  production of Genndy Tartakovsky's
"Popeye" movie.  But that's the
cruel thing about the entertainment business, folks. It will sometime break
your heart.


Photo by Jim Hill

And make no mistake about this. The Licensing Expo is all
about business. That point was clearly driven home at this year's show when —
as you walked through the doors of the Mandalay
Bay Convention Center
— the first thing that you saw was the Hasbros Booth. Which was this gleaming,
sleek two story-tall affair full of people who were negotiating deals &
signing contracts for all of the would-be summer blockbusters that have already
announced release dates for 2019 & beyond.


Photo by Jim Hill

"But what about The Walt Disney Company?," you
ask. "Weren't they represented on the show floor at this year's Licensing
Expo?" Not really, not. I mean, sure. There were a few companies there hyping
Disney-related products. Take — for example — the Disney Wikkeez people.


Photo by Jim Hill

I'm assuming that some Disney Consumer Products exec is
hoping that Wikkeez will eventually become the new Tsum Tsum. But to be blunt,
these little hard plastic figures don't seem to have the same huggable charm
that those stackable plush do. But I've been wrong before. So let's see what
happens with Disney Wikkeez once they start showing up on the shelves of the
Company's North American retail partners.


Photo by Jim Hill

And speaking of Disney's retail partners … They were
meeting with Mouse House executives behind closed doors one floor down from the
official show floor for this year's Licensing Expo.


Photo by Jim Hill

And the theme for this year's invitation-only Disney shindig? "Timeless
Stories" involving the Disney, Pixar, Marvel & Lucasfilm brands that
would then appeal to "tomorrow's consumer."


Photo by Jim Hill

And just to sort of hammer home the idea that Disney is no
longer the Company which cornered the market when it comes to little girls
(i.e., its Disney Princess and Disney Fairies franchises), check out this
wall-sized Star Wars-related image that DCP put up just outside of one of its
many private meeting rooms. "See?," this carefully crafted photo
screams. "It isn't just little boys who want to wield the Force. Little
girls also want to grow up and be Lords of the Sith."


Photo by Jim Hill

One final, kind-of-ironic note: According to this banner,
Paramount Pictures will be releasing a movie called "Amusement Park"
to theaters sometime in 2017.  


Photo by Jim Hill

Well, given all the "Blackfish" -related issues
that have been dogged SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment over the past two years, I'm
just hoping that they'll still be in the amusement park business come 2017.

Your thoughts?

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It takes more than three circles to craft a Classic version of Mickey Mouse

Published

10 years ago

on

June 9, 2015

By

You know what Mickey Mouse looks like, right? Little guy,
big ears?

Truth be told, Disney's corporate symbol has a lot of
different looks. If Mickey's interacting with Guests at Disneyland
Park (especially this summer, when
the Happiest Place on Earth
is celebrating its 60th anniversary), he looks & dresses like this.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc.
All rights reserved

Or when he's appearing in one of those Emmy Award-winning shorts that Disney
Television Animation has produced (EX: "Bronco Busted," which debuts
on the Disney Channel tonight at 8 p.m. ET / PT), Mickey is drawn in a such a
way that he looks hip, cool, edgy & retro all at the same time.


Copyright Disney Enterprises, Inc. All rights
reserved

Looking ahead to 2017 now, when Disney Junior rolls out "Mickey and the
Roadster Racers," this brand-new animated series will feature a sportier version
of Disney's corporate symbol. One that Mouse House managers hope will persuade
preschool boys to more fully embrace this now 86 year-old character.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc. All rights reserved

That's what most people don't realize about the Mouse. The
Walt Disney Company deliberately tailors Mickey's look, even his style of
movement, depending on what sort of project / production he's appearing in.

Take — for example — Disney
California Adventure
Park's "World of Color:
Celebrate!" Because Disney's main mouse would be co-hosting this new
nighttime lagoon show with ace emcee Neil Patrick Harris, Eric Goldberg really had
to step up Mickey's game. Which is why this master Disney animator created
several minutes of all-new Mouse animation which then showed that Mickey was
just as skilled a showman as Neil was.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc.
All rights reserved

Better yet, let's take a look at what the folks at Avalanche Studios just went
through as they attempted to create a Classic version of Mickey & Minnie.
One that would then allow this popular pair to become part of Disney Infinity
3.0.

"I won't lie to you. We were under a lot of pressure to
get the look of this particular version of Mickey — he's called Red Pants
Mickey around here — just right," said Jeff Bunker, the VP of Art
Development at Avalanche Studios, during a recent phone interview. "When
we brought Sorcerer Mickey into Disney Infinity 1.0 back in January of 2014,
that one was relatively easy because … Well, everyone knows what Mickey Mouse
looked like when he appeared in 'Fantasia.' "


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc. All rights reserved

"But this time around, we were being asked to design
THE Mickey & Minnie," Bunker continued. "And given that these Classic
Disney characters have been around in various different forms for the better
part of the last century … Well, which look was the right look?"

Which is why Jeff and his team at Avalanche Studios began watching hours &
hours of Mickey Mouse shorts. As they tried to get a handle on which look would
work best for these characters in Disney Infinity 3.0.


Copyright Disney
Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved

"And we went all the way back to the very start of Mickey's career. We began
with 'Steamboat Willie' and then watched all of those black & white Mickey shorts
that Walt made back in the late 1920s & early 1930s. From there, we
transitioned to his Technicolor shorts. Which is when Mickey went from being
this pie-eyed, really feisty character to more of a well-behaved leading
man," Bunker recalled. "We then finished out our Mouse marathon by
watching all of those new Mickey shorts that Paul Rudish & his team have
been creating for Disney Television Animation. Those cartoons really recapture
a lot of the spirit and wild slapstick fun that Mickey's early, black &
white shorts had."

But given that the specific assignment that Avalanche Studios had been handed
was to create the most appealing looking, likeable version of Mickey Mouse
possible … In the end, Jeff and his team wound up borrowing bits & pieces
from a lot of different versions of the world's most famous mouse. So that
Classic Mickey would then look & move in a way that best fit the sort of
gameplay which people would soon be able to experience with Disney Infinity
3.0.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc. All rights reserved

"That — in a lot of ways — was actually the toughest
part of the Classic Mickey design project. You have to remember that one of the
key creative conceits of  Disney Infinity
is that all the characters which appear in this game are toys," Bunker
stated. "Okay. So they're beautifully detailed, highly stylized toy
versions of beloved Disney, Pixar, Marvel & Lucasfilm characters. But
they're still supposed to be toys. So our Classic versions of Mickey &
Minnie have the same sort of thickness & sturdiness to them that toys have.
So that they'll then be able to fit right in with all of the rest of the
characters that Avalanche Studios had previously designed for Disney Infinity."

And then there was the matter of coming up with just the
right pose for Classic Mickey & Minnie. Which — to hear Jeff tell the
story — involved input from a lot of Disney upper management.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc. All rights reserved

"Everyone within the Company seemed to have an opinion
about how Mickey & Minnie should be posed. More to the point, if you Google
Mickey, you then discover that there are literally thousands of poses out there
for these two. Though — truth be told — a lot of those kind of play off the
way Mickey poses when he's being Disney's corporate symbol," Bunker said.
"But what I was most concerned about was that Mickey's pose had to work
with Minnie's pose. Because we were bringing the Classic versions of these
characters up into Disney Infinity 3.0 at the exact same time. And we wanted to
make sure — especially for those fans who like to put their Disney Infinity
figures on display — that Mickey's pose would then complement Minnie.

Which is why Jeff & the crew at Avalanche Studios
decided — when it came to Classic Mickey & Minnie's pose — that they
should go all the way back to the beginning. Which is why these two Disney icons
are sculpted in such a way that it almost seems as though you're witnessing the
very first time Mickey set eyes on Minnie.


Copyright Disney Enterprises,
Inc. All rights reserved

"And what was really great about that was — as soon as
we began showing people within the Company this pose — everyone at Disney
quickly got on board with the idea. I mean, the Classic Mickey that we sculpted
for Disney Infinity 3.0 is clearly a very playful, spunky character. But at the
same time, he's obviously got eyes for Minnie," Bunker concluded. "So
in the end, we were able to come up with Classic versions of these characters
that will work well within the creative confines of Disney Infinity 3.0 but at
the same time please those Disney fans who just collect these figures because
they like the way the Disney Infinity characters look."

So now that this particular design project is over, does
Jeff regret that Mouse House upper management was so hands-on when it came to
making sure that the Classic versions of Mickey & Minnie were specifically
tailored to fit the look & style of gameplay found in Disney Infinity 3.0?


Copyright Lucasfilm / Disney
Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved

"To be blunt, we go through this every time we add a new character to the
game. The folks at Lucasfilm were just as hands-on when we were designing the
versions of Darth Vader and Yoda that will also soon be appearing in Disney
Infinity 3.0," Bunker laughed. "So in the end, if the character's
creators AND the fans are happy, then I'm happy."

This article was originally posted on the Huffington Post's Entertainment page on Tuesday, June 9, 2015

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